We’ve all heard someone say – “I need to get away from negative people”. You may have said it yourself and I know I’d said it in my pre-counselling life. ‘In order for me to thrive and be happy I need to stay away from certain people’.
The hidden miracle and truth that’s hiding in plain sight is — It’s more about you than it is about them.
If you’re often taking other people’s views or behaviors personally? this topic is for you. If you’re often disappointed with other’s ability to follow through or be relied on? This topic is for you. If you’re often left feeling resentful or used because of how others are treating you? This topic is for you.
Give yourself and everyone a break. I’m going to give you 3 1/2 words that will help you get clear. … Are you ready?
It’s not them!!!!!
Right now you’re either coming up with a bunch of reasons I’m wrong and why the others are to blame or you’ve just written me off as a quack. Some of you, hopefully, will see that realizing “it’s not them” feels exciting and empowering. Possibly a little scary too. Means being emotionally responsible.
You know that trying to change other people is impossible even though we all try REALLY hard to make it so. “Maybe just this time it will work.” It might work a little but imposing rules and boundaries on others to make us feel better always comes back on us. We either are never satisfied or the tug of war with the other’s rightful space and freedom will become too much. Or worse, you start to feel disrespect for the other person for giving in to you and not standing up for themselves.
So try something different to get a different result and turn your focus back to yourself.
The other person is just triggering an upset that’s already within you — they aren’t creating a whole new feeling you haven’t felt before. The story may look different, but the trigger and feeling are the same.
What’s your trigger about? What are you feeling underneath that trigger?
Somewhere in your early life ‘something happened’ big or small and you made it mean something about you, others or the world. That’s what’s being triggered.
It’s actually calling for healing.
Give it your attention.
Ask for help if you need it.
The pay off is worth it.
If you need help around this, please connect with me here and get your complimentary 15 minute session to hear how I can help you.
Liz Coleman, RTC, is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor based in Surrey, BC. She specializes in anxiety, anger, insecurity, and relationship problems. If you have any questions about this article or would like to schedule an appointment, please call Ms. Coleman at (604) 809-8947 or use the convenient form on her Contact page.