Not smart enough, loved enough, loving enough, pretty enough, rich enough, successful enough, popular enough… any one of these can stick in your mind like a thorn or virus that works behind the scenes. Even if the thought is expressed openly it still seems to hide in the dark like a lurking thief ready to steal any joy or pride that you might feel in moments.
For example, you’re looking at your partner, love feeling that warm glow of connection then… BAM… the thought springs out of the dark, deep recesses of your mind… “What if they don’t love me the same?” That one thought can set off a chain reaction of feelings and behaviour that don’t necessarily bring you closer to getting that love you’re wanting to experience. Same thing for wanting success. You’re feeling good about something you’ve accomplished then… poof.. the thought “What if it fails or it’s not as good as the other guy?” Same chain reaction of feelings and behaviours that put you in a fearful place of not good enough.
You don’t want to get rid of those thoughts though because they are also key to knowing what you’re missing, which is a knowing that you’re worthy and already have within you what it is you’re wanting.
Follow the Fear…
What is the experience you’re ultimately wanting? The fear of your partner not loving you the same comes back to a need for connection. How do you get connection? You reach out and connect. The fear of not being successful enough comes back to needing to know you’re enough. Rather than all the behaviours that you’ve always done to ‘get’ that success and love start, which has often only pushed the very thing you want away. The Insanity Loop. Instead you correct that fear and recognize where you’re already loved and worthy.
When we’re in a fearful state, we push away all evidence that’s already there. In other words we’re always proving what we believe to be true.
Take action…. reach out to connect, push through fear of failure or rejection.
Liz Coleman, RTC, is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor based in Surrey, BC. She specializes in anxiety, anger, insecurity, and relationship problems. If you have any questions about this article or would like to schedule an appointment, please call Ms. Coleman at (604) 809-8947 or use the convenient form on her Contact page.