Unconditional Love – Fear vs. Love – Is it Part of Your Relationship? For Parents, Friends and Partners – Part 1

“Hey, wait a minute,” you may be thinking “Of course I love my children unconditionally!”
I know I thought that – that is until my daughter went off the rails as a teenager in a dramatic way. The way back for our family was by learning to love unconditionally. We learned it the hard way and I don’t want that to happen to you.We discovered that although we thought we were a loving caring family, and certainly anyone who knew us would have agreed, our parenting was largely fearful making unconditional love virtually impossible. We had worries about our children’s futures, and expectations of what that should look like for each of them. We felt we needed to shape them into fine humans rather than simply to accept them as they are. The good news for us was that it was possible with a few simple techniques, to learn to love without fear and to become more effective parents as a result.
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You can do a quick assessment of how much fear versus love there is in your own parenting style by taking the quiz below:

Are you Parenting with Love or with Fear?

Circle your answers (Download quiz here):

1. Did you agonize over which was the best high chair for your child?     Yes / No
2. Are you curious to find out who your child is and what they love to do?     Yes / No
3. Did you look for the school or preschool program that will give your child an advantage when he or she grows up?     Yes / No
4. Do you allow your child to fail?     Yes / No
5. Do you have an image of your child in the future – a career path, or favored university picked out, or a major sporting achievement?     Yes / No
6. Do you stay calm while your child is having a tantrum?     Yes / No
7. Do you get embarrassed when your child misbehaves?     Yes / No
8. Do you allow your child to solve his / her own problems when possible?     Yes / No
9. Do you choose all your child’s toys based on how intellectually- stimulating they are?     Yes / No
10. Do you allow your child to express difficult emotions?     Yes / No
11. Do you make sure your child’s clothes are coordinated before going out?     Yes / No
12. Do you allow your child unstructured play time every day?     Yes / No
13. Do you worry that your financial status will inhibit your ability to help your child get ahead?     Yes / No
14. Do you trust that your child wants to be good?     Yes / No
15. Do you attempt to shape your child into the person you want him / her to be?     Yes / No
16. Do you accept your child unconditionally and act accordingly?     Yes / No
17. Do you praise your child’s art attempts automatically?     Yes / No
18. Do you talk to your child with respect?     Yes / No

Score 1 point for every odd numbered question you answered ‘yes’ to and 1 point for every even numbered question that you answered ‘no’ to.

How did you do?
If you scored less than 5 points – you are operating from a loving place most of the time. More than 5 points and fear is creeping into your parenting. Most of us operate from a fearful place until we become aware of it.
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The blog series that I will publish over the next five weeks will help you to move from fear to love, not only in parenting, but in life in general.
​In part two we’ll establish that unconditional love is rarely that, but is possible if we remove the barriers against it that we have. Part three will explain how those barriers get started and strengthened. Part four will show you how to begin to remove the barriers. Part five will explore the importance of loving ourselves in order to love another. Part six will give a list of practical suggestions for helping children to understand their Inherent Worth in order to counter their negative beliefs and be able to receive the love that is offered.